Feeling it

A few days ago I found myself heavily involved in an inner dialogue. Something had stirred me early in the morning and even though I had told myself a number of times to move on the reality was that I felt stuck and frustrated.

Whilst there was one part of me witnessing this struggle and wanting to be free with it, there was another part which was very actively engaged and almost juiced up by it. All attempts to detract from this inner fight failed poorly. I couldn’t let it go. The painful discussion in my head continued to go round in circles. My despair grew bigger. Suddenly, as I was standing in the kitchen talking to myself I became aware how much energy was running into the involvement with this fight.

Who was it that I was engaged in this fight with … ? Well, really the only person I could find was myself. Listening to the argument I started to hear who was talking inside: my parents, beloveds, friends, fellow sharers, articles, videos, books,… This endless list of people and things were streaming out of my memory and argued in my head for or against my case. There was the voice of righteousness, justice, aggression, oppression, fear, pain, protection, compassion, care, pretence… It struck me how the mind kept judging, struggling to find out what was the safest to do in the moment: fight or flight.

Then it hit me. I had missed the single most important thing: To simply feel angry! And let it pass without any justification, nothing to defend nothing to attack. Instead I was busy searching for a spiritual correct judgement of the situation whilst convincing myself that I had the right to be angry.

Instantly heat started to rise from my belly. My heart was beating fast and it was difficult to sit still. It felt so good to just allow this feeling. A wave of relief went through my body. My energy had dropped from my head into my body. I felt so much softer and lighter. The story started to fade and with it my judgements and the label of my emotions. I felt alive and connected with myself. Now I could see what had been blanked out previously. It was a beautiful sunshiny day. Birds were singing outside. The air still carried the smell of my morning coffee…

A great reminder it was to allow whatever it is that needs to be felt in the moment. I remember that this all was natural when I was a child. Anger, pain, joy… no delay, but an immediate expression (like my friend’s 3 months old baby Finneus – picture). Sudden laughter interrupts tears. No resentment. Well, good to know that this uncensored spontaneity is still accessible in every moment. It is my choice.

3 Responses

Savera Noriega says on August 14, 2011 at 3:12 pm

I love the detailed framing of the process

scott says on June 13, 2011 at 9:04 am

who’s choice is it ?????

Linda/Mom says on June 2, 2011 at 4:05 pm

Thank you, Veronika! Beautifully said with a perfect picture!